Forgiveness Is A Choice, Not An Expectation
“Abeg na” is a phrase you’ll hear at some point if you stay long enough in Nigeria. It means “I beg” or “please.” It’s a way of appealing to someone that was offended or used for asking for a favour. In the case where it’s used as a plea, it’s often followed by remarks like “forgive and forget”, “let go of the past” or “Haven’t you offended someone before?”
On closer examination, this plea no longer carries any meaning beyond the surface level. It sounds more like a habit, a bad habit specifically, that is now a part of society. I say so because this plea is often made to avoid consequences or absconding from responsibilities. It’s now a get-out-of-jail card that allows holders to relieve themselves of any possible punishment for their actions.
Of course, I believe in forgiveness and its necessity for the advancement of society. We can’t go back to biblical times of “an eye for an eye”, we’ll end up in a society of blind people. However, it’s critical to understand what forgiveness is.
A Note on Forgiveness
To forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw or mistake” (Oxford Dictionary). When you think about forgiveness as that, you realize forgiveness is a choice. It’s not something you can force someone to do. It comes from within and is only meaningful when a person makes that choice of their own free will.
A major flaw of my people’s (Nigerians)understanding of forgiveness is that it’s seen as an expectation. The moment someone says abeg na, you are expected to forgive. You are to let go of whatever the offence is and deal with the damages that have occurred in the process. If you put up some resistance and decide to hold a grudge, you are seen as a bad person.
A real-world situation will shed light and give context for better understanding. I’ll use a relatable example that’s common if you’ve been in traffic on Nigerian roads. Let’s say you’re on the road driving your car on a fine Saturday morning. The windows are down as you allow the cool breeze to hit your face and ruffle your hair. You’re on your way to a friend’s wedding you’ve been looking forward to for a while. You get to a traffic stop and slow down as you see a red light. You wait a few seconds and just as you’re about to accelerate as the light hits green, your car gets hit from behind.
In shock, you come down from your car and go to the back to assess the damage. Feeling upset, you ask the other driver why they hit you. The next thing you hear is “abeg na, sorry, it was a mistake.” This plea transitions between 3 phases, depending on your tolerance level: genuinely sorry, gang-up on the victim, and emotional blackmail. I’ll touch on each briefly below:
Genuinely Sorry
Initially, the person is genuinely sorry because everyone makes mistakes. But in your mind, there’s damage to your car which requires some money and time to fix. Since you’ll be without your car for some time, you’ll also experience some inconvenience as a result of the absence. Plus you were on your way to a wedding so there’s that. However, like I said earlier, there’s an expectation to forgive and let go on the spot. If you don’t let it go at this point, you get to the next phase.
Gang-up on the Victim
For context, there’s not much of an insurance culture in Nigeria. Most things are paid out of pocket which is the complete opposite of how things are done in the West. You’re still processing the financial hit your bank account will take so you can’t let it go. At least the person should pay for some or all of the damage. You insist on this and before you know it, a small crowd has gathered around the scene.
People start to chime in, asking you to “forgive and forget” which is Nigerian lingo for “let the person go and fix the damages yourself.” I’m not a big fan of crowds so situations like this make me tense. You quickly start to feel like everyone is against you. Are they not considerate of the cost of the repairs? How do they know you can bear the cost? And even if you can, you’re just supposed to allow anyone who hits your car to walk away just because you can cover the costs? None of that matters, the crowd has spoken. Are you still resisting? Okay. Let’s go to the next phase.
Emotional Blackmail
Previously, they were asking you for “forgiveness” but you are still insisting on compensation for the damages. Because of this, the crowd starts to turn on you. You start to hear comments like “Have you not offended someone else before?”, “Are you not a Christian? Why can’t you forgive?” There’s a small level of aggression behind the comments now. Before you know it, even the actual offender starts to shift the blame on you as they see the crowd start to take their side. They would accuse you of not moving when you should have or that you didn’t have the right of way. Anything to push the blame on you, to make it your fault somehow.
Out of fear and growing anxiety as you watch the crowd start to turn against you, you give in and let it go for “peace to reign.” But when you go back home, you have to deal with the consequences. This makes you feel bad and builds some resentment.
Forgiveness Is A Choice, Not An Expectation
As a society, we have to understand that forgiveness comes from within and should be a choice. The idea of “forgive and forget” is almost delusional. I can choose to let go of something but it doesn’t take away the consequences. Someone has to bear the consequences and if it’s me, I’ll surely remember why I’m dealing with them in the first place.
We all process things differently and should be allowed to do so, especially when we are offended. Have I offended other people before? Yes. And I hope that they find a place in their heart to forgive me. But I also have the right to be upset and process things at my own pace. I shouldn’t be put on the spot or be pressured by people into a decision I’m not yet ready for.
Forcing people into forgiveness only builds resentment. That resentment will circulate through society and eventually lead to a hostile environment. There has to be a balance. A lack of consequences leads to abuse and a lack of sense of responsibility. If you think deeply, you’ll spot the fruits of this resentment in Nigerian society today. Genuine forgiveness comes from within and only genuine forgiveness can lead to healing. In time, I hope we heal.
